i drink too much coffee at night cause it's the closest i can get to a buzz i keep trying to read but my mind has just turned to mush too distracted by my own thoughts to comprehend someone else's even though my own thoughts are usually just a regurgitation of someone else's the concept of death scares me more than i'd like to admit i can't believe it used to feel welcoming, how did i end up like this i've come to the conclusion that i don't need others for light i've found peace in myself and i'll be alright sometimes i get shaky cause everything's a little too loud or my brain is laced with so much caffeine i hear a ringing sound i have so many thoughts in my head that never make it out funny how that's a metaphor for my own sense of being proud the concept of death scares me more than i'd like to admit i can't believe it used to feel welcoming, how did i end up like this i've come to the conclusion that i don't need others for light i've found peace in myself and i'll be alright i'm still not okay, yet, i promise, i swear but just like everyone else i'm doing it all to get there my shaking habits leave me with no nails and i can't talk on the phone and i get preoccupied with how easy it is to see my bones the concept of death scares me more than i'd like to admit i can't believe it used to feel welcoming, how did i end up like this i've come to the conclusion that i don't need others for light i've found peace in myself and someday i'll be alright

i'm trying to get better but god, it's so hard when the only things there to comfort me are my own arms the same arms that have pushed my clean skin south and the same arms that refused to bring food to my mouth i'm 17 and i know that's young but i must stop to wonder i could've been gone three and a half years ago and that leaves me to ponder what inside me has changed that's turned me for the best was it the self-discovery that's left me barricaded from the rest? pick one, they say, you can't chose more there's only two, that's not singular the kind of pain that this brings is unequal to scraping knees imagine scraping your whole body pretty girls spend too much time at potties everyone's encouraging, no one speaks of the dangers be careful before you end up with less than jesus had in the manger you won't have jesus, that's for sure but then technically neither does anyone with the pronoun "her" women weren't made to serve men but even if that were the case where do the non binaries fit in? this isn't about religion and i'm sorry i brought it up back to the point, telling me i'm plural is worse than being stabbed in the gut not that i know what that feels like, and hopefully i never will i always hated taking that green and white pill and i'm trying to get better but god, it's so hard when the only things there to comfort me are my own arms

it's hard to find a sense of purpose when even in your favorite fantasy world you're seen as worthless i've written entire songs across my skin just trying to find where i fit in (like an addict with a pen) i never even realized i was growing up but look at me now, 2 months from being an adult and i know who i am, but no one knows my name and if they did, i can't imagine the result i've ran out in the rain just to feel alive september 9th. 2015 i was trying to survive how is it that i'm supposed to be unafraid of toil but with any sign of conflict my body just recoils i never even realized i was growing up but look at me now, 2 months from being an adult and i know who i am, but no one knows my name and if they did, i can't imagine the result "you'll come out alive" written on my thigh the unbeatable balance of numb and scared, too lost to cry i can't shake that 1 am feeling it's better if i pretend this is healing it's better if i pretend this is healing it's better if i pretend this is healing

it's 1 am and i know you're still awake im just writing songs which is probably a mistake i told myself it wouldn't be about you this time instead of putty in your hands i'm more like slime slipping through your fingers every time i try to hold on you've always hated your fingers but i don't see what's wrong besides the fact that i can't keep myself between them i've lost track of how many times we've seen the end with how we are right now i don't know why i'm worried but it's 1:12 am and all these songs are pathetic and hurried so I guess I'll take the time to tell you goodnight and you're my universe and i wish you were in my sight it's 1:20 why did i drink coffee is it late, is it early i wish i could write something that wasn't about you but it seems that this is all that i can do remember when i showed you off to my a.p. english class have you ever gone a day without talking about cas i only talk about michael so i guess im not one to speak babe it's so late i miss you i should get to counting sheep with how we are right now i don't know why i'm worried but it's 1:12 am and all these songs are pathetic and hurried so I guess I'll take the time to tell you goodnight and you're my universe and i wish i could hold you tight